Time

I like to write. I started a blog because I enjoy putting my thoughts down in some more durable location than... my head. So why aren't I writing more?

Damn, but life gets in the way.

In February I found out about a huge change coming. I thought about it, prepared myself, took deep breaths, etc. And now--the job change has yet to happen. I was supposed to be done with my PhD LAST year. Still not done.

The changes aren't happening. Oh they will, but the suspense is killing me! Honestly. For real (as Jake says). I can't sleep, I'm cranky, I'm frustrated. Anticipation can be a good thing, but in this case it's just making me mad. And when I'm mad, I don't write because I'm mad. A huge circle of illogic that keeps going and going... until I am frankly dizzy and feeling nauseous.

The future generally looks bright and happy to me. Except right now. It's an impenatreble black cloud at the moment, all avenues are hidden and all look bad. Bleah. Go away black cloud of despair! Go away dense fog of sleepiness and exhaustion! Come back shiny happy Lydia that I was not long ago!

A day with the kidlets

I tell you what.
These kidlets are about the most fun I can imagine. In the morning, Phoebe usually wakes up first (before Jake, that is). I pick her up and as soon as she spots Jake in bed she puts her arms out and lunges towards him. I put her down on the bed and, with great glee and laughs, she throws herself on him! Rolls all over him, laughs... it's really one of the funniest things I've seen.

And Jake is cute too--he usually smiles and laughs and tickles her. Or he pulls the blanket over his head and she pulls it off, laughing all the while! It's such a joy to hear happy sounds in the morning.

At daycare dropoff, we usually take Phoebe to her room first. Jake gives her 2 hugs and 2 kisses goodbye--such a good big brother! She waves to us, and we head to Jake's class. Jake gives me 2 hugs and 2 kisses, tells me he loves me, then I'm gone. It's such a fun ritual!

At night it's not as cute, as everyone is tired, but Jake is doing so well playing with Phoebe. She has this loud squawk she emits, and we all come running (to her delight). Then we play with her and she loves it.

Phoebe goes to bed at 8, Jake at 9 so we have some one-on-one time... and the house is at rest.

Until tomorrow!

Who knew?

Who knew children could be such fun? Before the kidlets were born, I had a very hazy concept of parenthood. It seemed like a lot of work, but ultimately rewarding.

What I didn't realize was that the rewards would be so soon and so much fun. I spent yesterday playing elaborate games with Jake while Phoebe attempted to climb all over me, all three of us laughing almost continuously. We raced cars, we built a robot and a racecar and a dump truck (although Jake said mine didn't really look like a dumptruck), we made popcorn and watched The Wizard of Oz.

Jake quizzed me on math problems, mostly addition. (I love that school of his!) Phoebe always has a lot to say to us. She is a girl who WILL BE HEARD. And watching her and Jake interact--now that's joy!

I am so thankful for my babies and all they give me!

Musing on Spring

Spring is taunting me. It knows how much I long for its arrival. How I hate the cold, snow and wind. How my heart leaps at the sight of crocuses peeking out of the chilled earth, a promise of new life, warmth, beauty.

Somehow this spring seems like it will be especially marvelous. Phoebe will turn 1! We've already been outside on a warm day. She in the swing, watching her lunatic brother run fast and fall down, just because he can. Laughing and pointing at the silly canine and equally silly Jake.

Pretty soon I will let her onto the ground to feel the growing grass for herself. To soak in the sunshine, look at flowers, watch birds hop in the garden. How fun it will be! Before I know it, she'll be walking, then running.

And I will have the exquisite joy of seeing my children play together, laugh, run, fall, get up and do it all over. I must remember to cherish the moments and lock the sun and laughter in my heart so I can see them again and again!

Getting Things Done

Why, oh why, is it so hard to get things DONE? Big things and little things. I feel like I spend my life trying to do just one more load of laundry... one more load of dishes... straighten up just one more room... take the dog for just one more walk...

I long for a sense of completion. To be able to cross a task off my list once and for all. To dot the i's, cross the t's and file it away. To not have to think about it anymore, not have it hang over my head like a black cloud that refuses to lift.

I realize that the daily and weekly chores aren't ever going to be done, though, and that both scares and saddens me. To know that I'm going to have to match socks for the rest of my life? AUGH!

But there are some things that can be done. Completed. Finished. Like, my PhD. I'm so sick of thinking about it, revising it, editing it. I just want it to be DONE. At this point, I don't even care if it makes sense, I just want to be done. With luck, though, that day should come soon. Then maybe I can relax.

Gourmet Kidlets

I was a picky child when it came to food (just ask my mother). I didn't eat "junk", but I had my favorite few meals and I stuck to them. Mom would try new stuff, but I would throw a fit, so she was reduced to the same old, same old.

Imagine my surprise that I appear to be raising 2 gourmets. Their daycare does a fantastic job with meals, serving a great variety from different cultures. They have meals like chicken alfredo or baked fish, veggies like asparagus or spinach, fruits like mango. At their age, I had no IDEA those foods even existed.

But the kidlets vacuum it all up. At the grocery store, Jake will actually choose asparagus as his green vegetable. And Phoebe will try anything, multiple times. Her teacher told me that yesterday the kitchen served ground beef, but no spices on it. She apparently kept taking bites, spitting some out, and trying again--in search of some with flavor!

Their Oma makes some delicious dishes, seasoned with spices I find appealing, but I wouldn't necessarily think children would like. THESE kids eat it up and look for more. Last night I fed them her food, then made myself a filet of tilapia, with garlic and lemon juice. Phoebe banged her high chair until I gave her some, which she chowed down.

I am glad they both are gourmets. I just find it terribly funny!

Change

Change is a funny thing. Some people embrace it--flitting like butterflies from job to job, situation to situation. Living for the thrill of newness and unexpected circumstances.

Other resist change like it's a disease. Digging their feet in, and getting dragged kicking and screaming into change.

I like to think I'm closer to the former than the latter. I'm about to find out.

My job was just eliminated. The place is being reorganized, changed. I can apply for the new job that will be created, but there are no guarantees, no promises that I will continue to be employed here. Continuing my employment means learning a new skill set, changing how I do what I do. Not continuing my employment means finding something else, something new to do.

That change can be a good thing. Changing by learning and opening your mind is exciting. I welcome the chance to stretch myself, learn new technology and move into the future. But this future might or might not include me. Change that is paired with extreme uncertainty is not as exciting.

But I wanted, I needed a change. I was stuck in a rut. Despite my successful efforts to learn a new career and challenge myself, it's still been hard to actually MAKE a change. And now it's forced on me.

In the weeks ahead I'll find out more about the change, what I can do and what I can't do. Where I can go. What my options are. What grand new adventures are ahead of me! I look forward to change and the opportunity to re-invent myself. Out with the old and in with the new.

Yeah, but can I say I'm still just a bit scared?