Oh how I long to be different.
I look at myself in the mirror, seeing a body that is lumpy...fat...ugly. Eyes with bags under them. Hair that's got just a bit too much gray. Clothing that is bland.
I want to look like someone else. I want to be that slim chick who was full of energy and confidence. Not a close to middle aged mom who just wants to get through the day... the week... the month.
I want to be the person I thought I would be. Fabulous job, fabulous body. Fabulous clothes. Well-behaved and perfectly coiffed children at my side as we dash around doing interesting and important things that boost brainpower and save the planet.
So where did this vision come from? I hate to say it. Damn. It came from the media. Argh! I don't want to blame my profession for my failings. But I see images of women who clearly have it all together, with an army of nannies and personal trainers to help them. Oh yeah--that's right. I don't have any of that.
So how do I make myself over in 2009? Maybe I need to start from the inside. I guess I really ought to see the woman in the mirror as a miracle worker who created and carried and bore 2 living human beings who will grow up as people in their own rights. Eyes that remain bright, if sunken, with spirit and fun--always willing to look "one more time" at the crazy antics of a 4 year old, and to regard with love the smile of an 8 month old. Hair that is still chestnut, and see the streaks as lines of precious metal that detail the challenges faced and overcome. And clothing, well pfft. Since when do I care about fashion?
I need to make over that internal critic who berates me about what I should be instead of celebrating who I am. Who compares me to an impossible ideal instead of realizing all the great qualities I already possess.
So in 2009 I will be different. I resolve to be happy with who I am.