Happy Fall!

I have so much to say, so why can't I get it posted? beats me. I guess I'm having my life, not writing about it. Which is OK, but I don't want to forget so much.
Jake turns 5 on Thursday. Yes, 5. He's halfway through his first decade. Holy crap. It's amazing... unbelievable... awesome. All wrapped up together! This past Friday, he was sick and I kept him home. He asked if we "could just have a special day together"... it was so wonderful! We went to the zoo, the mall and Griendly's. My big boy, full of wonder!

Phoebe is also an amazingly wonderful girl. She's getting more and more words, and has such a sparkly personality! Right now, bubble is her favorite word. She also yells "DOWN" when she sees Regen... and she loves to grab my hand and drag me to wherever she wants me to be.

I am such a lucky mom!

Blessings

So I just keep getting more bad news. But I don't want to focus on that because bad begets bad. Instead, I am resolving to focus on my blessings.

Jake and Phoebe are the number one, simultaneous, wonderful and perfect blessings in my life. I am so fortunate to have them and THAT is what I need to remember. Their joy, their love, their happiness need to be paramount in my brain. Not the b.s. of my job--which exists so I can support them.

My husband Steve is also a blessing. Despite my frustration, he truly is a good father, companion and friend. There really isn't anyone else I want to spend the rest of my life with!

My good heart is a blessing. Even with all that has happened, I am still resolute in my belief that people are basically good. The world has been trying to prove me wrong, but I refuse to go along with it.

My good health is a blessing. Years of sleep abuse notwithstanding--my body continues to function well and keep me happy. I keep promising it that I will be nicer and finally get enough sleep, but until then the ol' body is performing well.

My parents and brother are blessings. They love me, support me and have full confidence in my abilities to do anything I set my mind to.

My friends are blessings to me. They have shoulders to lean on, ears to listen and arms to hold in good times and bad.

All in all, life is a blessing and God has blessed me with so much. I have to keep these thoughts firmly in my mind and not fall victim to self-pity or other destructive tendencies.

Hooray for Summer!

I cannot believe how excited I am for summer! The pool is open and the fun is beginning. I don't think I have been this excited since I was about 15... that was the last time that I truly looked forward to summer. The last time summer was ahead of me as an almost endless stretch of time, full of warmth and promise and freedom.

After that summer, I was thinking ahead to college and to "real life". Of course once I graduated, summer became just another season. Even when it was just Jake, somehow summer didn't have the thrill that it does now. Last year with a newborn, I was just glad to know if it was day or night. But that changed.

I think yesterday at the pool really brought it home. We visited a friend's pool for a few hours, then went to our community pool. Jake and Phoebe had such fun! And so did I--from the smell of the sunscreen, the hint of chlorine, the bright sunshine, the great splashes, the towels, the pool snacks... it all suddenly came together and helped me recapture the joy I used to have in summer.

The coolest thing is that summer never really went away. It was hanging out and waiting for me to rediscover it in the faces, voices and actions of my 2 water babies!

A day with the kidlets

I tell you what.
These kidlets are about the most fun I can imagine. In the morning, Phoebe usually wakes up first (before Jake, that is). I pick her up and as soon as she spots Jake in bed she puts her arms out and lunges towards him. I put her down on the bed and, with great glee and laughs, she throws herself on him! Rolls all over him, laughs... it's really one of the funniest things I've seen.

And Jake is cute too--he usually smiles and laughs and tickles her. Or he pulls the blanket over his head and she pulls it off, laughing all the while! It's such a joy to hear happy sounds in the morning.

At daycare dropoff, we usually take Phoebe to her room first. Jake gives her 2 hugs and 2 kisses goodbye--such a good big brother! She waves to us, and we head to Jake's class. Jake gives me 2 hugs and 2 kisses, tells me he loves me, then I'm gone. It's such a fun ritual!

At night it's not as cute, as everyone is tired, but Jake is doing so well playing with Phoebe. She has this loud squawk she emits, and we all come running (to her delight). Then we play with her and she loves it.

Phoebe goes to bed at 8, Jake at 9 so we have some one-on-one time... and the house is at rest.

Until tomorrow!

Who knew?

Who knew children could be such fun? Before the kidlets were born, I had a very hazy concept of parenthood. It seemed like a lot of work, but ultimately rewarding.

What I didn't realize was that the rewards would be so soon and so much fun. I spent yesterday playing elaborate games with Jake while Phoebe attempted to climb all over me, all three of us laughing almost continuously. We raced cars, we built a robot and a racecar and a dump truck (although Jake said mine didn't really look like a dumptruck), we made popcorn and watched The Wizard of Oz.

Jake quizzed me on math problems, mostly addition. (I love that school of his!) Phoebe always has a lot to say to us. She is a girl who WILL BE HEARD. And watching her and Jake interact--now that's joy!

I am so thankful for my babies and all they give me!

Gourmet Kidlets

I was a picky child when it came to food (just ask my mother). I didn't eat "junk", but I had my favorite few meals and I stuck to them. Mom would try new stuff, but I would throw a fit, so she was reduced to the same old, same old.

Imagine my surprise that I appear to be raising 2 gourmets. Their daycare does a fantastic job with meals, serving a great variety from different cultures. They have meals like chicken alfredo or baked fish, veggies like asparagus or spinach, fruits like mango. At their age, I had no IDEA those foods even existed.

But the kidlets vacuum it all up. At the grocery store, Jake will actually choose asparagus as his green vegetable. And Phoebe will try anything, multiple times. Her teacher told me that yesterday the kitchen served ground beef, but no spices on it. She apparently kept taking bites, spitting some out, and trying again--in search of some with flavor!

Their Oma makes some delicious dishes, seasoned with spices I find appealing, but I wouldn't necessarily think children would like. THESE kids eat it up and look for more. Last night I fed them her food, then made myself a filet of tilapia, with garlic and lemon juice. Phoebe banged her high chair until I gave her some, which she chowed down.

I am glad they both are gourmets. I just find it terribly funny!

Observations on Siblings

For most of my life, I wanted a sister. I have a little brother, but our relationship is more special than most, due to his Down Syndrome. I love him dearly and am so proud of what he has accomplished so far in his life-- but the relationship is very different that what typical siblings experience.

So I was excited to have the kidlets experience siblinghood in all its glory. It's only been 9 months, but already I am delighted by what I see.

Jake told me that Phoebe is his princess and he is the prince. That means "I will rescue her and save her and will marry her." On the flip side, he told me he had a dream that Phoebe was still inside me but when she came out she was big and knew how to play with his toys "the right way".

Phoebe simply adores her big brother. She can crawl and is mobile, which means she can get to him. She'll crawl up to him and put her hands on his shoulder (or whatever she can reach) and look lovingly at him until he acknowledges her. And he usually does so in a loving way... then she proceeds to tear down whatever it is he's doing. Resulting in howls. Leading to the previous comment.

But Jake still wants her to play with us. He always includes her in Candyland (until she pushes the pieces off the board) and wants her to build with him. The other day he was putting away his toys (amazingly) and she was pulling the toys out of the box as quickly as he put them in. And she was doing it on purpose! Looking at him and laughing!

I think what strikes me most about their relationship is the love. He hugs her, she hugs him... she even seems to be saying his name! I hope this love continues for all time. I know they will not like each other sometimes, they may even say they hate each other. I've read the books, I'm not naive.

If I have just one wish for their relationship, it's that they will be secure in the love that surrounds them and they will spread that love to the world around them.

Winter blahs

Boy I hate winter. Especially January, followed closely by February. Nasty, brutish and short, to borrow liberally from Thomas Hobbs. I always feel like there's NOTHING to look forward to, that I'm stuck in some sort of stasis where all I do is get fat. Seriously, it's like this every year.

DH wants to go on vacation, which would be great except for the fact that then I'd have to move. And pack. Then unpack, and frankly, it just seems like too much trouble. Sad, huh?

The kidlets and I have a day off together, tomorrow. And I have NO IDEA what to do. Museum? Sure, along with every other kid in the state. Playdate? Then I have to make calls. Bleah.

In happier news, Jake started soccer! Indoor, and our babysitter takes him because the only league happens Saturday mornings when I'm at work. I'm glad he's getting some time to blow off steam! He also starts basketball Monday night, so that will be cool too. Work off that excess energy...

If only I could figure out how to transfer HIS energy to ME.

Making Myself Over for 2009

Oh how I long to be different.

I look at myself in the mirror, seeing a body that is lumpy...fat...ugly. Eyes with bags under them. Hair that's got just a bit too much gray. Clothing that is bland.

I want to look like someone else. I want to be that slim chick who was full of energy and confidence. Not a close to middle aged mom who just wants to get through the day... the week... the month.

I want to be the person I thought I would be. Fabulous job, fabulous body. Fabulous clothes. Well-behaved and perfectly coiffed children at my side as we dash around doing interesting and important things that boost brainpower and save the planet.

So where did this vision come from? I hate to say it. Damn. It came from the media. Argh! I don't want to blame my profession for my failings. But I see images of women who clearly have it all together, with an army of nannies and personal trainers to help them. Oh yeah--that's right. I don't have any of that.

So how do I make myself over in 2009? Maybe I need to start from the inside. I guess I really ought to see the woman in the mirror as a miracle worker who created and carried and bore 2 living human beings who will grow up as people in their own rights. Eyes that remain bright, if sunken, with spirit and fun--always willing to look "one more time" at the crazy antics of a 4 year old, and to regard with love the smile of an 8 month old. Hair that is still chestnut, and see the streaks as lines of precious metal that detail the challenges faced and overcome. And clothing, well pfft. Since when do I care about fashion?

I need to make over that internal critic who berates me about what I should be instead of celebrating who I am. Who compares me to an impossible ideal instead of realizing all the great qualities I already possess.

So in 2009 I will be different. I resolve to be happy with who I am.